Aspiring everything

I start at a new office tomorrow. I’ve taken this week to think about my life. My attitude, the way I see life and the way I want people to see me.

The new agent made me feel really important and wanted in the interview. With one other person in the office doing sales, it’s up to us to turn that office around and start making the numbers happen.

I feel a real urgency to make this happen for the agency, and for the agent. I really like her and I think I may feel really important in this new office, if I can help out.

Although I am very nervous about making sales again I think I can do it. The one thing that does make me nervous is keeping organized.

Outside of work, I want to be so much better. i have been doing insanity to lose weight and the results are showing. I feel stronger, I can stretch the way I used to in High school again. It makes me happy to see that I’m getting healthier.

I’m using a new face wash that is completely healing my face, and the working out is making me sweat out all the toxins.

I’m eating better too. I see myself making healthier choices and I have not had a soda in over a month. I do have to get better though.

My mental health is what I want to focus on more. I’m through being negative, I want to see the bright side of things again. I want to be known as the happy girl. I want people to need to hang out with me because I’m such a delight to be around.

Last weekend I was talking to my friends and I made a comment about having sex with heels on and Eddie, one of my best friends jokingly said, “why does everything lead to sex with you?”. He was making a joke, but he got me thinking. I do talk a lot about it, but that’s because that’s all I know. So for the next two weeks, I’m going to attempt to not talk about it. Even if I’m asked. I will just smile and change the subject.

I don’t believe in love, I believe in sex and friendship. to me, when people talk about being in love or having someone be their world, it sounds childish to me. I feel like they don’t know what they are talking about. Broken down the emotion is fake; it’s an intensified friendship mixed with lust. 

I will honestly and 100% attempt to believe in what people consider love. I need to let go and relax. I almost did with a guy who had been talking to me and had asked me out. We were discussing attempting a relationship, but at the last minute he changed his mind and told me he wasn’t ready. I was ready to give up and just drop the idea, but that would be stupid.

Mental health is the first step. Everything else will follow. It’s all about How badly you want change.

Growing up and after my divorce I felt that there couldn’t possibly be such a thing as love. The pure mention of it makes me cringe. I hate the word, I have no idea why. But as I sit here alone in my room I can’t help but wonder. Is it real? Is it out there? and, if I don’t believe in it, How could I ever write about it?

Maybe there’s a part of me deep down that believes in the idea. I know what people want to hear and what they expect this fantasy to be, but how can I give it a true meaning and a voice if I don’t give myself fully to it?

Deep down… I just don’t want to be hurt. Believing in something so out of people’s reach just causes heartache. Movies teach us that people realize they’re in love and there’s no way to part them. When the reality is that being with a special someone always takes a back seat to whatever greed is on that person’s mind at the time.

Friendships don’t last forever and a person will move away if a better opportunity comes around. If they see the benefit of being with someone of their standards to being with someone they connect with they will always look the other way.

I’m confused, and I wish I knew the answers so I could teach it to my readers.

I took a walk to the beach last night because I was feeling a bit lonely and quiet. I always stop from writing because I’m scared. One of the things that I was thinking about last night, which almost made me cry is how badly I want to be great at something. I’m afraid that my book wont be great or well known or well liked. Then, I stopped. All of the sudden I realized that in order to have a book out first I have to write it, to be the lead in a show, first I have to audition. I can’t just sit around waiting for things to come to me. I have to go out there and grab it.

Specially with the book. I have to use this fuel of inspiration and energy that has hit and write. Give myself a deadline, give myself time to write.

I though about my book mostly as I walked (for an hour). I want to start over. I want to reformat my book to fit the audience I want better. I’ve been focusing on the supernatural part of my story, but what I want it to do is speak to girls. I want them to relate to this book by saying, “you know, I don’t need anyone to boost me up. I can do t all myself and I don’t need to change for anyone. If I’m going to change it’s going to be for ME”.

My first step to make sure that my book makes an impact, is to give it a heart.

           For some inspiration I decided to do some research for my book. I pulled up a map of central park which is where my story begins. I found a perfect little corner of the park where the tale begins. I zoomed into the map a little closer to follow one of the trails in the park and it led me to a beautiful building. I ignored it for a while and pulled up different websites for condos for sale on either central park west or on 5th Avenue. To my most amazing and magical surprise an apartment that fits the description in my book popped up as one of the listings. So I copied the address and pasted it onto my Google map and who would have ever guessed that it was the exact same building I had been looking at from zooming in earlier.

            I don’t believe in coincidences, I believe that things you need and/or are looking for are attracted to you if you just ask. So, this 5.8 million dollar condo is now the new address for my leading lady, and the setting for most of the plot. I am so happy to have found this small aspect of the story that has opened up a limitless amount of inspiration.

               I can’t wait to continue writing this story that has been nagging at my brain for 8 years. I know these characters better than I know and will ever know anyone else. I need to set my paralyzing fear aside. The fear that I will not do my story and the characters justice, by not being a good enough writer.

              I owe it to them and mostly I owe it to myself to write it, to give myself the chance to find something I truly love. Something that is just mine and mine alone.

As always with Much Love,

Karla

 I feel alone. I don’t think anyone really understands what depression does to a person, so they get irritated with me. they live on, their lives untouched by such sadness.

People who have never felt what it’s like to trully be depressed can never understand why a person can be so sad all the time. The question I hear the most is, “how can things be THAT bad?” The truth is they’re not, but as hard as I try to hold on to the tought that things are great, something inside me keeps me miserable.

Now I just feel alone, I can sense people don’t want to be around me when I’m like this. So when my husband leaves and doesn’t come back for a week, and all he has to say is mean things, i sit staring at my phone, knowing I can’t call anyone.

I can’t cry because the feeling to do so doesn’t come, i just sit, sad that i have no one. I’m jealous of everyone around me. Kira, who’s husband is over seas, she misses him so much that she cries regularly; Danielle and seth who have each other and their baby; Jamie, who’s brave and talented enough to be in a band and regular shows; Nadia, who’s so incredibally talented that no director turns her down; my sister with her perfect life and her perfect family.

So when I feel like this, I have no one to turn to who will know what I’m going through. I’ve been writing a lot, trying to have some sense of letting my feelings go.

I think if it wasn’t for my mom, I wouldn’t even be here. Everytime I feel like I just want to end it, and I think, my mom has gone through enough in her life. The last thing she needs is to lose a child.

I always do the worst thing that a writer could do, I doubt my art. I’m always in my head thinking ahead at what people will think of my work rather than enjoying the process. I’m not good enough to keep my marriage going, I’m not good enough to make it into a show, I’m not good enough to start a dance team, so why am I stuck on trying to write books when I know all they’ll ever be are ideas.

I have no motivation for life, so in return I have no motivation for anything else. If we all die at one point, why are we even alive?

Everytime I try something new, I get knocked down, it fails, or something better comes along that overshadows it. I know there are all these stories about great people who overcome failure to acheive what they are meant to do, but what if I don’t fall in the midst of them?

What if I’m just simply below average?

I wonder what life would be if I didn’t have the additional stresses around my life, and I could just sit at home and write all day. Now-a-days if i even get an hour to sit down and write, I get stuck. I think about what needs to get done at work, what needs to be done before I move out, I need to get licensed, how much i hate my life and how hurt I’ll be once I fail yet again.

I hate my life, I’m so miserable, and I don’t even know why.

I was thinking last night that growing up wanting to be an actress I never realized that writing would ever become a passion for me, or that becoming a well known author would not only become a dream, but an obsession.

However, like the rest of the world i love vampires, every story i’ve ever written has had vampires or some type of supernatural aspect. With twilight coming out on film, it seems like everyone is writing about them, selling my book is going to be a hard thing.

My story is different from twilight though, my starlet is an actual starlet, a broadway star who has chosen to become a vampire and lives 5 years after the story begins as a vampire. Twilight focuses on a young human girl not being able to live without her immortal love. Jaquelynne, my leading lady has lost her vampire love also, but as the story progresses she learns to live without him, and the distractions along the way keep her mind busy from her lost love.

There are five books altogether. I started this blog so I can get inspired again. Later on I will do a recap of each one of my books. The five, in the TSE series. and 10 other different stories.